Curse you ketchup.

Why do we still have glass ketchup bottles? Instead of just being able to squeeze some out and move on with our lives, we're transformed instead into a nation of demented, arthritic cuckoos, manically tapping bottles with twitching patience as we pray for the tiniest, dried glob of sauce to come out. Everywhere I look, the world seems to have moved along happily in every other way: no one hauls their shopping home on a mule, the sky dish doesn’t operate via creaky water mill, and people... well, most are still arseholes. I suppose some things never change.

Is it playing on some kind of condiment spin on the old ‘classic’ coke bottle paradigm? Plastic is just, so... so budget, right? Wrong. The reason it fails like a one-eyed dyslexic midget is that ketchup just isn’t cool. In terms of style vs. functionality, it’s arguably only a couple of notches above adult nappies and tin foil. No matter how much their advertising Tristans may have wet dreams about it, no A-list star is likely to be gleefully lathering up hookers’ breasts with Heinz on the sunset strip anytime soon. A hard truth, perhaps, but maybe we just need to face facts. That and the fact that, somewhere down the line, that ketchup is going to run dry and someone will have to store it upside down in the cupboard. In the case of the glass bottle this, of course, means wobbly imbalance and then smashing and lots of shrieking and running around with eyes full of jagged glass shards which, I’ll admit, I find hilariously funny, except when it could actually happen to me. In which case someone needs to pull the plug on this whole damn Triassic operation right now since clearly they didn’t think things through. Luckily, they have me to do that for them.